DIVORCE

That word conjures up so many feelings.

I felt compelled to see if the word divorce was used in any other forms other than f*cked up relationship ending.


& here is what I found:
"di·vorce (d-vôrs, -vrs)
n.
1. The legal dissolution of a marriage.
2. A complete or radical severance of closely connected things.
v. di·vorced, di·vorc·ing, di·vorc·es
v.tr.
1. To dissolve the marriage bond between.
2. To end marriage with (one's spouse) by way of legal divorce.
3. To cut off; separate or disunite: an idea that was completely divorced from reality.
Synonym: separate."

This definition doesn't give justice to the word/feeling association of
D-I-V-O-R-C-E

My heart cries out for anyone who has gone through this process.

It SUCKS.

There you are going along happily living life hopefully & then BAM!

The D word.

I was personally affected by the D word as a teenager. I don't know what is better or worse-going through it as a kid or as a young adult?

It's confusing.

For me it SUCKED bc I felt like everything I bought into before the D was a lie.

Like there was B.D. & A.D.

Our family life before Divorce felt like a farce. Like I have been cheering for this team that didn't even Want to be together!!!

I felt like a FOOL.
Like I was lied to!
The team I was a member of was a LIE.
It was f*cked up ALL along &
I never saw it.
Why didn't I see it coming?!?

Then A.D. I became numb like nothing really matters bc everything just ends anyway.

If my two star struck lovers in my home movie can become so hardened by each other then why should I even Try love?

Love became a 4 letter word that meant control, manipulation, unhappiness, & sadness.

B.D. I believed in Love & the future.

A.D. I felt alone & like a fool.

My parents told us it wasn't our fault & they just outgrew each other.

What I heard was:
Hg qrbatt en MBA. Be s kaka be jxuxb ns c Nash ahddhdb annjhvvc.

I couldn't hear at that time bc I was so heartbroken.

The WORST was their heartbreak..
& to watch your parents be single?!

Alone, lost, hurt.

It was painful.

& I couldn't DO anything to help.

Bc it wasn't my problem to solve. Yet, I still felt so alone, lost, hurt.

Hopeless & helpless.

It's the weirdest thing, Divorce. Bc as a little kid I would romanticize about it!!!
Two holidays.
Two sets of toys!
Two houses!!!
Two competing parents for my love'!

Man it was gonna be AWESOME!

Around that time is when my Dad started sleeping on the couch. My closest friends knew & every year I would say this is the year my parents are getting a Divorce.

Years passed & it never happened!

Till finally my friends would reply: "Yeah right! No, they're not! You been saying that for soooo long."

& I had!

Their dysfunction became normal function.

Until, one day I came home from senior year of High School and my mom said we were going away to St. Thomas! Just me & my little brother. I was 17, he was 12. My 2 older sisters were in college so they didn't come.

My parents were acting all weird about the trip. I felt like something was up but I just assumed that it musta been me & my brother pissin them off.

Halfway through our trip we went to the Hard Rock cafe to eat. At dinner my mom got hammered. & she Rarely drinks. So I thought hmm...that's odd. We ordered. Our food came then my mom said, "Kids your father & I are getting a divorce. It's nothing you have done wrong." My Dad chimed in that they love us very much & they are going to try to live apart for a while." SILENCE.

SILENCE.
SILENCE.
We ate our food. Got up.
Eric & I were standing by the entrance ready to leave and my Dad asked if we wanted to buy any souvenirs.

Me & Eric being smart asses said to each other "Oh yeah! So we can never forget this day?!?!"

He got a t-shirt.
& I got boxer shorts.
Both said...
Hard Rock Cafe St. Thomas.

It was the most awkward next couple of days. Bc they were getting a divorce but we were all still stuck on vacation together.

I don't know the right way to tell your kids but this just wasn't right...

Once back home my Dad moved out. We tried to rally behind my parents to make them both feel strong & powerful. Not to feel sad about the other parent.

Which is the most awkward thing bc you are literally made of 2 halves of a whole relationship!!

I feel bad that I wasn't there more for them.
I feel bad that I didn't understand what was going on.
I felt shame & felt like a fool that I cheered for a losing team for all those years.
I feel bad for how pissed I was at them for giving up! I strategized about the what if's of what I wished they had done differently.

All I can say now after going through long term break ups much like divorce is that I feel sorry for them both.

Sooo SUCKS!!!

Bc I know my parents still love each other. Just not in the way you need to in order to co-exist.

My parents divorce also taught me that some people Just Don't Get Along. & that's OKAY!

My parents divorce had cauterized
my heart in some ways. Since the divorce I am only attracted to fellow kids of divorce. Bc they share my sense of reality of love lost.

I think kids of divorce are more realists about love & hope & life. Bc we experience first hand what doesn't work. So we try hard to work towards what does!

After 25 years of marriage, my parents decided it was time to call it quits. For that I have a lot of respect for them. To stand up & say I'm not happy! Suffer through the pain of the D to ultimately find happiness. It taught me NOT to settle. Bc they were high school sweet hearts. She met him when she was 12 & he was 15. She got divorced when she was 41 & he was 44. They were all they knew of love. But they knew this love wasn't right.

They taught me that there is life after the D. Just not in the way I dreamed as a little kid or imagined as an adult. But in reality.

& found a new D...
Deserve to be happy :)))

Today, think of your Divorce story. Maybe it's one you heard about. Maybe it's someone close to you. Maybe it's you.
Write it out. I know I give you Kings & Queens a lot of writing assignments! But I swear it's cathartic. Bc then you see the humor. The reality of your journey. Vulnerability...Humanness.

Xo

PS: F*ck Hard Rock Cafe St. Thomas!!!

Jk ;) I'm over my parents divorce & only use it to grow & learn from :)