June 22nd 3016

God this God Damn date holds so much pain. 

Stupid. 

Last year, on this date...

I was home writing my new set for a Stand Up show. I had a game I would play with myself where I would write a brand new set every time I went up. It was a STRETCH. A way to get me to do new stuff and see what came up for me. 

Challenging. 

& I freakn loved it! ;) 

So...

I was home during the day. 

Writing. 

My a** off. 

When my friend called with some fight she was having with her husband. We talked for some time. And my then husband came home. I got off the phone with her and I said hey you are home early. He said well I'm not working anymore.

Ya see...

My husband got fired from his real estate job 2 weeks before. And so he was home. 

I said this, "It's been 2 weeks since you lost your job let's talk about next steps what your plan is? Goals? What do you want? What do you want do?"

We started arguing Bc my ex husband was NOT a goal person. 

He made me feel bad for being that way. He said I never rested Bc I was go-go going to achieve something. And I wasn't enjoying the journey and never happy with what I already had. 

Stuff I could totally work on. 

There was a middle to find a compromise. 

We didn't find it. 

That day. 

Instead, he got up and said his niece had texted him so he has to go meet her and he will be back at 3pm. 

He didn't get home till 4pm. Which was rare for him. He usually would keep his time with me. 

But...he knew I had a show so I couldn't talk. So I said let's meet after my stand up show home tonight. 

We both agreed. 

Bc...

We had been fighting the same fight for so long. 

I wanted to know his plan? What he wanted? 

For the next year? 

How we could align our goals to make it happen? 

Baby?!? This year...next...ever. 

Adoption. 

So...

I do my set. 

I had a great show. 

I'm on a HIGH. 

I call him after my show walking to the train in Williamsburg. 

And he says hey I'm going to a show tonight so I'll see you an hour and a half later. So I said that's too late. Like we have a real conversation that we need to talk through. By the time you get home from seeing this band we are both going to be exhausted and nothing will be resolved. Don't go. Isn't this more important? 

He goes to the show. 

I am pissed. 

He comes home. 

L

A

T

E. 

I am hurt. 

I feel dismissed. 

Ignored. 

And like our future doesn't matter to him. 

So...we talk and both decide that we need to take a break from talking about this. 

We go to bed. 

Mad.

Sad.

Hurt. 

This was the fight that broke my marriage. 

(...As far as I knew at the time.) 

Today, Do you run from conflict or lean into it?! When the convo gets tough do you bail?!? Or do you hanker down?!?

Would be good to know. About yourself and your partner. 

Man...

This past year has taught me a TON. 

But...

One thing I Know Know is...

I need a man with goals. 

HIGH goals. 

Who wants to goal set with me :)))))))))))))))))))

Every New Years I set my goals!!! It's like Goal Christmas Morning for me :)! 

For serious. 

I LOVE seeing where I went the year before & where I want to go in the coming New Year. 

Every year I would turn to my then husband and say let's write out your goals! Bc then I can help you keep on track to get them and we can push each other and we can take over the world!!!! 

Never happened. 

So...

I spent Goal Christmas Morning alone :))))) opening the presents for the New Year!!! 

Still LOVED it. 

But...

Alone. 

Exactly. How. I. Felt. Every. Time. He. Would. Sprint. Out. Of. Our. Real. Hard. Relationship. Conversations.

Xoxo

Ps: this picture I took walking through Union Square on my way home from my Stand Up show. Pps: this is a picture of the NYC sky that night. Ppps: 3016 in the title Bc it feels like a thousand years ago:))) Thank GODDESS.