Uncle Louie

My Godfather is a hoot! 

He is a 4ft 2inch old Italian man with a big crooked nose and curses AT me like a 4ft 2inch old Italian man with a crooked nose. 

Uncle Louie is 90.

Every conversation begins with, “I’m 90 and I still haven’t died. Why God? Why do you keep me here on this f*cking planet?”

Then my Godfather goes into a rant on how I’m not a baby, and I can’t keep crying to my mommy, “Momma momma save me”, for any sorta help that I’m a woman now so I need to get my sh*t together. 

I agree with him. 

He rants. 

More ranting. 

We talk about Carroll Gardens BK real estate. He lights up and laughs about the old days with my grandfather. 

He goes back to ranting about my poor life decisions. 

I agree with him. 

Then Uncle Louie tells me what he is making himself for diner. 

He is Italian so this is a huge part of his day. Tonight’s diner is spinach, fish, and potatoes. Probably mashed. He hasn’t decided yet. 

Big decisions for Louis Mattera this evening. 

Mashed or baked potato. 

I tell him mashed sounds better. 

He yells at me and says baked is easier. Either way he is going to use a lot of butter to make it taste better. Also, he has no teeth so is considering buying a grinder to grind up his food. And a meat slicer to slice the meat really thin. Bc his butcher that son of a b never listens to him when he says “thinner you son of a b*tch!”

He rants. 

Calls me a “Gypsy.”

Reminds me to keep $3,000 in my house in case of emergency. 

And we say goodbye. 

Until...

Tomorrow at 6:30am when he calls me 5 times in a row Bc he forgot the time difference to California. Again. 

Today, Who is your Godfather?!! Do you have one?!? Are you as lucky as me to have a raging lunatic as one?!?

God, I love this man. 

Genuinely. 

They just don’t make them like this anymore. 

Le sigh...

Xoxo 

Ps: Top row is UL!